After many years of rejecting certain bagels and offending kind/naive offerers of said bagels, I feel like I need to spell out some hard and fast rules about bagels. While I'm generally a pretty open-minded guy on most topics, I'm not with this and if you disagree with me, you're wrong and I'm right. Sorry. Same applies to my opinions on pizza and Keanu Reeves' acting "abilities". Dude, like, there is no spoon.
Why am I qualified to blather about this? First, this is my blog, not yours. Second, I grew up with a sweet Jewish grandmother that used to bring my family real bagels on a regular basis. So, I was essentially weaned on bagels. Third, when many of you lined up around the corner at your neighborhood Noah's in 1994 waiting 45 minutes for a bagel like a bunch of dolts, I'd be done with breakfast, laughing at you. Yes, sour grapes, I wish I came up with this brilliant money-making scheme that fattened a bunch of carbo loaders during the first Clinton administration.
Now without further ado, the rules...
1. The bagel itself. These are the acceptable bagels: plain (aka "water bagel" since real bagels are first boiled, then baked), sesame seed, onion, poppy seed, garlic, salt, and everything. Typically an "everything" bagel has all the above on it. A bagel is plain or savory, no discussion. However, you can go too far with savory by doing what I call "crossing ethnic boundaries and ruining everything, you wacko". I love French, Mexican and Italian food as much as next guy, but keep that business away from bagels. Therefore, jalapeno, asiago, parmesan are off limits. Gruyere? Please. A simple rule of thumb is just to look at the ethnic origins of bagels (Eastern Europe, specifically in Poland). If the topping or flavoring feels out of place there, throw it out.
There's no such thing as a sweet bagel: blueberry, chocolate chip, whatever. If you want something sweet that's round and has a hole in the center, get a fucking donut. There's nothing else to say on this point.
2. Cream cheese and schmears. Cream cheese used to be one flavor: cream cheese. Then came the great invasion of the schmears! I like the idea of a schmear though, but it can only be savory: chive, garlic, herb are ok. Berry-flavored schmears are unacceptable and just disgusting. Savory schmears can also go too far. I never undersood the lox schmear. Lox on a bagel? Damn straight. Lox chopped up and mixed with cream cheese? No. You're just lazy and getting cheap lox. This schmear always makes me think of when this concoction hit the supermarket. And if you buy lox or smoked salmon, splurge, you'll taste the difference.
I once played drums for a Bar Mitzvah band called "The Savory Schmears"
3. Sandwiches, Pizzas, and other mayhem.
- There is only one acceptable bagel "sandwich", and this is what it has on it: cream cheese, onion, lox, a squeeze of lemon, and maybe a slice of tomato. Like the donut analogy, if you want any other kind of sandwich, then get a damn sandwich. Just because a bagel can be cut in half doesn't mean it turns it into two slices of bread. A roast beef bagel sandwich with sun-dried tomatoes, arugula and sprouts? Ah! The horror, the horror.
- The egg mit. This could be lumped into the sandwich category, but deserves special mention on my hit list. Making a sandwich using traditional breakfast elements -- bagel, egg, bacon, cheese -- is still a violation.
- The ultimate offense, the pizza bagel. Making a pizza out of a bagel automatically labels you as criminally insane. This is disrespectful to pizzas, bagels, and anyone who's pained over creating a great pizza or bagel. For shame. Keep them separate, or you'll go to jail for a very long time.
Now, enjoy your bagels, but keep them simple and follow the rules above. For the record, my favorite: a lightly-toasted poppy seed bagel with regular high-fat cream cheese.
